My mother used to tell me about days when farmers will display their yams in the bush and use stones to indicate the prices, buyers will buy in their absence and drop the money as indicated by the number of stones. These were days when it takes a whole community to train a child, days when citizens are banished or taken to the market square for punishment, and days when family names are sacred, and losing them could be likened to losing one’s life.
Those days also have some terrible traits, the seeming decent society was being sustained by patriarchy and capital punishment, as good as those days seem, I once asked my mum what she thinks when comparing then to now, and she usually says, ‘May God not take us back to those days anymore”.
Africans have cultures, and deep-rooted values that shape the way we think and behave in the past, unfortunately, these ways of life also have their negative sides; a family system where children are practically raised by violence, bullying, abuse, and capital punishment, where women are relegated to the back and are not allowed to speak, where marriages are by force and not by choice… It is therefore not surprising that we are where we are today as a society.
Unfortunately, growth is part of existence, whether we like it or not, the world is evolving and civilization will come upon us. That brings me to the core of this article, Africa seems to have forgotten that the world has evolved, we are in a ‘woke’ generation where human rights cannot be easily trampled upon, a social media age where information travels at the speed of light and access to information is not restricted. In fact, we are in an era where mothers-in-law are no longer available to take care of their newly delivered baby and new mums, where the whole village who used to take care of children has practically migrated to the city, and women are no longer second citizens, they have risen up to the occasions, they have dreams, aspirations and life goals. Children are no longer street-wise but internet-wise, they are being practically raised in the confined of their parents’ apartments with access to the world. This is an industrialization era where everyone is on the go, how then do we raise children of this generation with the old skills, what are the measures we are putting in place to fill the vacuum left by the old measures that have gone into extinction?
According to research, Experiencing abuse or neglect as a child can have a significant impact on an adult’s quality of life. The impact can be felt across several areas, such as emotional health, physical health, mental health, and personal relationships. Survivors of childhood abuse can often experience feelings of anxiety, worry, shame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, grief, sadness, and anger as adults. Surviving abuse or trauma as a child has been linked with higher rates of anxiety, depression, suicide and self-harm, PTSD, drug and alcohol misuse, and relationship difficulties. Children who are exposed to abuse and trauma may develop what is called ‘a heightened stress response’. This can impact their ability to regulate their emotions, lead to sleep difficulties, lower immune function, and increase the risk of a number of physical illnesses throughout adulthood.
The question is, how many of today’s parents who experienced childhood trauma while growing up have been able to resolve their trauma? Unresolved emotional trauma will keep haunting survivors, as well as determining their behavioral patterns and cognitive structure. How you process information as an adult in most cases is a result of your childhood experiences, an experience that determines your parenting style as well. Those who are abused as children will likely abuse others as adults.
The world has changed, it is no longer business as usual, we cannot continue to promote dysfunctional families, where people get married just to show off rather than getting committed, where cheating and infidelity are normalized, where sexual and gender-based violence are daily occurrences, where child labor is the other of the day and social media teaches how to be rich just by slaying. This is the foundation, you cannot expect a functional child from a dysfunctional home.Â
Attachment theory states that the attachment style of a significant percentage of adults in relationships can be linked to parenting style and upbringing. Attachment in this context simply refers to the kind of relationship we have with our parents or caregivers, and it is linked to the way we relate with people emotionally and intimately when we become adults. In conclusion, what was working for us as Africans are no longer working, civilization has come upon us and it is high time we start putting cushion effects in place as it’s been done in the developed world.Â
African culture has beautiful traits, but the African family system is somehow rooted in family dysfunctionality, the reason we are where we are as a society. Without a complete overhauling, it might be difficult to see the desired change. The majority of us had an abusive childhood, so many grew up in toxic environments where everyone is looking behind their shoulder. Disorganized families like fuji house of commission where you do not know what to expect, hardship, poverty, sexual and gender-based violence, hatred, the list is endless, Unfortunately, we don’t even understand the implications of all of these things. this is why the problem of Africa is not material poverty but the poverty of the mind, nothing can change until our mind is transformed. We need behavioral modification and cognitive reconditioning, a progress that can only be achieved by professional counseling.
Every school must have a functional counseling unit manned by a professional counselor who understands the nitty-gritty of clinical counseling, preferably a trained child and adolescent counselor. A counselor who is guided by ethics, understands counseling theories, techniques, models, and their applications to real-life scenarios. One who has the right therapeutic interventions under his/her sleeves, and possesses the traits and qualities of a professional counselor.
School administrators can’t say it’s up to the parents. Parents can’t say it’s up to the teachers. Teachers can’t say it’s not their job. And kids can’t say, “I was too afraid to tell.” Every single one of us has to play our role if we’re serious about putting an end to the madness. We are all responsible. We must be.
Sylvester couldn’t have died!
This article was written in honor of Sylvester Oromoni Jnr. who died at Dowen college Lekki Lagos.
