Even though valentine’s season is expected to be the season of love when everyone is happy and excited expressing their undying affection to the ones they love, surprisingly, some people might be going through what seems to be one of the worst seasons of their lives during valentine.
As much as no one is expected to cut short their happiness because of others, when it comes to valentine, the level of insensitivity to other people’s feelings could be unavoidably alarming. Most times we get carried away with the euphoria of the period, forgetting that there are people around us who could be hurting. In fact, some research suggests that valentine’s day is the start of an annual rise in suicide rates that peaks in April.
Especially in Africa, where Valentine is an imported celebration, just like we normally do with every other form of celebrations and special days, we take in everything from the western world hook, line, and sinker without putting measures in place to guide against excesses or negative implications. With the advent of social media, the world has become a global village, but the danger of this for Africa is the fact that we borrow a lot of culture from the west who have a working system, laws, and policies, while we wallow in the mental health implications of borrowed culture without putting guidelines or safeguarding measures in place.
This is not far from the situation with valentine, African culture originally does not encourage romance, romance in Africa is measured by provision and defense, not all the sweet nothingness of sending flowers and chocolates and having a romantic getaway, hence the confusion around the sudden found foreign festival of love. When we do not understand the phenomenon of valentine, how then do we talk about its implication on the mental health of the singles, bereaved, or couples in crisis?
As a matter of fact, the societal pressure on singles, especially the female folks is huge in Africa, the labeling, stigmatization, and frustration that the majority has to go through on a daily basis is already a lot. Being single at a certain age in Africa is like a disease, some house owners will never give out their accommodation to single ladies, waiters in bars and restaurants look at single women with disgust if they walk in alone without being accompanied by a man, neighbors tables you “Ashawo” meaning prostitutes when you are single, in fact, some parents will threaten to disown their daughter for not bringing a husband home at a certain age; the pressure is huge and the struggle is real!
Combine this culture that sees marriage as the major measure of success, with the new waves of PDA and valentine craze on social media, then you will begin to understand why some people might be depressed or even worse still suicidal in this part of the world at this time. Why do people struggle with their mental health during valentine especially in Africa:
- Stigmatization of individuals who are not in a relationship: African culture could make the most successful woman feel worthless without a man, it is the way the society is conditioned.
- Overly display of affection on social media: In a continent where twerking and living fake life drives the algorithms, single people or those struggling in their relationships could be feeling left out with all the displays of love, wealth, and romance on the internet.
- Going out to spend some alone time and show love to oneself might require extra effort at this time, especially when most of the relaxation centers believe that every woman needs a man to settle their bills.
- Social media in Nigeria has been filled with videos of proposals gone wrong, a situation people termed ‘serving breakfast” because valentine season is considered the season to show affection, the majority sees it as the opportunity to propose to their partner, unfortunately, the reality of the state of their relationship is confirmed by proposals rejection leading to disappointment, heartbreaks and possible depression for many.
- Talking to professional counselors or therapists is also not our thing, so individuals who are feeling left alone at this season are left to battle with their struggle alone, the majority do not even know they can seek help.
- Lack of professional help for those with spousal loss who could be triggered by the display of love in the season of valentine.
- Poverty is a big deal in Africa, those in relationships and don’t able to buy gifts or take their partners out for a tree might be feeling left out.
- The season comes with pressure and stress mounting pressure on couples to make time for each other and feeling obligated to act in certain romantic ways.
- A peep into the backend of my website showed what people are searching for online, vagina tightening gel, how to increase the size of the penis, how to make love like a pro, are some of the very popular searches during valentine. This buttresses the rise in performance anxiety among those in relationships.
- The new wave of children and teenagers getting involved in Valentine can throw some parents off-balance, especially in a culture where explanation and education on love and sex are almost nonexistent.
“Stepping out today for a brief business meeting, which is the eve of valentine, was the worse decision of my life, no thanks to Lagos traffic, the whole city is jam-packed, restaurants are filled to the brim with car parks overflowing to the express and causing gridlock. Picking my phone to go on social media wasn’t a wise decision as well, everywhere is red with flowers, balloons, love quotes and notes as well as marriage proposals and exchange of gifts, its as if everyone has currently discovered what it Menas to be in love.” This is from Ajoke, one of my followers on social media. For those who are feeling left out as a result of not being in a relationship, just coming out of a bad relationship, grieving over a spousal loss, or just feeling overwhelmed with all the displays on social media like Ajoke, here are a few points that could help you to overcome valentine depression:
- Avoid social media: Social media is a no-no for you at this time. Social media is currently flooded with photos of couples and people who are in perfect relationships, this can trigger feelings of sadness, loneliness, or being left out. You can watch movies, read books, bake a cake or do the things to occupy yourself this time.
- Fall in love with yourself: You must have heard about how difficult it is to love another when you haven’t been through the journey of self-discovery, self-actualization, and self-love. It won’t be a bad idea to find how more about yourself at this time, date yourself, find who you are, and use this opportunity to learn how to find happiness on your own.
- Avoid Using Substance to get over the season: This is a no-no, you do not want to fall into addiction territory in the name of being lonely. As a matter of fact, your loneliness stays with you even after the substance must have cleared off, it is, therefore, a wrong decision, to indulge in substance use at this time.
- Be grateful for other types of love and beautiful things in your life. Apart from euros, which is the romantic love, there’s is the love of agape love as well as Phillip, the love of God and your family members. Concentrate on these other types of love and think about other things in your life you are super lucky to have.
- Use self-talk: I call it mirror exercise, stand in front of the mirror and psych yourself, be nice genuine, and truthful to yourself, and say something nice about the person you sees in the mirror
- Avoid comparison: Social media is made belief, avoid comparing your life to that of others because you truly do not know what they are going through behind closed doors. The more you compare, the more you feel bad.
- Hang out with your single friends: It won’t be a bad idea to hang out with your friends who do not have a date as well. It is not advisable to be alone during this period, hanging out with your friend will do you a lot of good.
- Watch comedy online: This is a good time to watch a lot of feel-good movies, especially Nigerian comedy series, they have a way of making you laugh.
- Connect to your support system: family, friends, members of the same faith group, or any form of a support group that could make you feel loved and needed are very important at this time.
- Finally, talk to your therapist. If you feel overwhelmed and you can’t seem to be able to control how you are feeling please reach out for help. Depression is not sadness, it’s a start of complete hopelessness that practically threw you into a bottoms pit or dark tunnel where you can’t seem to find any way out. You cannot motivate yourself out of such a state. If you need help to get over your valentine depression, please reach out to the institute of counseling in Nigeria for free help: www.instituteofcounseling.org or call our 24/7 hotline +2348188783527
Written by Dr. Tolulope Oko-Igaire.
